I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
