Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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