The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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