my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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