i may or may not be watching the land before time
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
