with your own penis?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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