This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
