his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
