And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
A+ Viking dick
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