There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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