The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
