Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
