Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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