I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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