I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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