I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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