I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
