and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
