just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
