still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
