how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Sober January is a disaster.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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