I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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