if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
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Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
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How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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