I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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