I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.