The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.