I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
