I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
