you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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