Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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