i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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