i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
