Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
