I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
