If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
