My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
