you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
