i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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