A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
