I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
