I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
