eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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