we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
