I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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