Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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