I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
