My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
