i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
