A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
