That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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