you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
