My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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