I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
