FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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