I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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